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Ramblings and Musations People Whose Sanity I Question Hall Of Records One Is The Loneliest Number Before Today There Was Before Today There Was Meanwhile In The Not To Distant Future Meanwhile In The Not To Distant Future
Have A Happy Period - Beauty Often Seduces Us
And Triteness Kicks Us In The Nads
virginiavxn2008
Have A Happy Period
My mother sent me this the other day and I couldn't stop laughing because I thought I was the only one who had noticed it and found it stupid and demeaning yet at the same time hysterical.

I'll give you guys an update later since its so damn late right now!





Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and
I appreciate many of their features.

Why, without the Leak Guard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell
you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs inCapri pants.

Which brings me to the reason for my letter: Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words:

"Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness -actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kalama and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out* *of your ass, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that's a promise I will keep.


Always

Today's Forecast Is...: sleepy sleepy
The Voices In My Head Are Singing...: Better-Little Women the Musical

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Comments
vegravixen From: vegravixen Date: April 6th, 2007 01:41 pm (UTC) (Link)
Bravo!

This made my day. I want to see a maxi-pad say "put down the hammer!"
flicker_flame From: flicker_flame Date: April 6th, 2007 03:48 pm (UTC) (Link)
I love that. "Vehicular manslaughter is wrong." Now there's some damn good marketing. It could be like dove chocolates w/ a different message on each one but messages focused more on things like "please don't hurt me."
Oohh.. or they could just have coupons for dove chocolates.. chocolate.. yummy...
From: labyrinthfan Date: April 6th, 2007 03:50 pm (UTC) (Link)
Hahaha, I found this pretty amusing, though I think I'm like the only woman in the world who doesn't suffer PMS ... lucky me, huh? :P
vegravixen From: vegravixen Date: April 6th, 2007 05:25 pm (UTC) (Link)
dude what happened to your picture? You look like you are high on crack.
From: labyrinthfan Date: April 6th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC) (Link)
You would know ALL about that, wouldn't you?? Hehe, I just went though and made every picture of myself pink.
5 people love me or you could Please Leave A Beep After The Message *MESSAGE!!!*